Sunday, November 16, 2008

[I need to get this off my chest]

**Ambiguous terms are used so as not to give away the identity of said persons. (i.e. they, them, their...)**

I will always be getting in trouble til the day I die. I'm very candid and I speak my mind. I am compassionate despite my rather blunt words. Those who know me, know that I would give anyone the the last dollar in my wallet. I will always go the extra mile for you. I don't care how many times you've screwed me over, with the grace of God I will forgive you. I refuse to lower myself to your standards. I may speak in anger, but somehow no matter what I say God will use it for His glory.

I talked to my best friend about this the other night. I've become terrified to be completely honest with anyone because of all the people in my past who: came into my life, screwed me over, then left. All the people who I used to trust with everything inside of me. I laugh now. I was so blind.

A best friend, or so I thought, said to me once, "We won't be friends in college." I was so completely shocked they told this to me. I said, "How do you know that?" Their reply, "Because we just won't be." Our friendship went downhill from that day forward. And now we are both in college and despite my efforts to stay in touch we aren't "friends" anymore. I wonder why? DUH!

Many friends of mine have begun dating and all of a sudden they can't have a social life anymore. Friends who you could always talk to, but now they aren't available anymore. I can tell you right now. You ain't dating me, if you make me throw my friends to the curb. I think some people just might be a little unstable emotionally. Yeah...

Oh, and then when they break up with their b/f or g/f (whichever it may be) they all of a sudden come running back to Kelly for some company. They start calling and texting me all the time wanting to hang out cuz they're lonely now.

Oh but wait! They found someone else! Bye bye Kelly! "This time I really I am in love." "I've never known anyone like this before in my life!" Two months later... *ringg* *ringg* "Kelly? I miss you, we need to hang sometime soon." Yadda, yadda, yadda. So on and so on.

Back to the forgiveness thing. I honestly have forgiven them. Sadly, I don't have the ability to forgive AND forget like God can. Here's my theory: God's love is unconditional, right? Well, all the times we screw Him over and He still loves us and remembers our past no more! Know what I think? If we could actually forget the wrongdoings people have done to us, we would be able to love so purely! It's hard for me to sit here and tell you I love these people! I don't think I could tell it to them to their face. I'm just being honest. If I had no remembrance of what they did to me, I would be able to truly love them like Jesus does. Sometimes, I think that would be an awesome thing to do (to forget). BUT then I realize that all the times you screwed me over, I learned a lesson. And every time I see you I remember what happened and what I learned from it. And I have to ask God to help me keep my mouth shut so I don't say something I will regret.

That doesn't make it any easier. Not one bit. Am I still hurt? Yes. Is there bitterness, none. I got rid of that mess. Bitterness is like a cancer: deadly.

Because of these friendships or I guess I should say "friendships," I am even more hesitant to allow myself to fall for a guy. And there are a few guys that I could date right now. But no one will ever know, because I am not going to get hurt again. I have to guard my heart, because others won't. I need someone who will protect my heart. Not take some of it away.

I'm too scared to take a chance. Do I blame that on them? Yes. But mostly I blame it on me. I shouldn't be so scared, but I am.

Despite my rather tough exterior and attitude, I am such a broken spirit and your lack of character actually is a good thing for me. It keeps me at the feet of Jesus. For that I thank God for your distrustful ways. See, bad can be used for good.

So to all you who screwed me over and laughed while you were doing it, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the faith you put into our friendships. It's such a wonderful feeling to know that your friends love you that much. So, once again. Thank you!

1 comment:

SMiLE ~ JESUS LOVES YOU said...

wow.. Kelly i am so sorry people have done you that way. That's their loss though (especially whoever it was that said they wouldn't be friends with you in college.) because you are such an amazing person who has so much to say and is a great woman of God! I love reading what you have to say. I look forward to seeing what God has in store for you!! i love you!!